Mission To Rise

This life of mine
How it has made me shrink
From loose lips
That said too much
About how I was
Not enough

And I hung my head in shame
Thinking I was the one
That was always to blame
For wicked transgressions
For my looks too true
My rage boiling
Out through glances
And stares
My heart crying out to be loved
When those near were too impaired
By the same darkness
Bleeding out through deeds
Doling out their own misery
That sank into me
What could I have done
To allocate that expense?

And I’d cry out when I could
Desperate in pain
That maybe one more howl
Would take it away
That maybe one more rebel
Would make enough change
That I might be allowed
To exist

But my loose lips were
Set ablaze with rage
My truth rang too true
And I suffered for words
I couldn’t afford to let slip
She said I love you
But her fists said
The opposite was true.
And I’d rage and scream
I hate you!
I’d cry and rip my own hair
I’d limp wounded to school
To meet their stares
I’d limp through the halls
and meet more abuse

Because how could I live when I felt no use
How could I smile when I only knew tears
How could I love when I’d blacked out years
That I’m sure weren’t worth remembering.
And if I did
I’d break from the weight of the truth.

When kids get broke
By their own kinfolk
No one is there with a balm
A quick fix
Or care
No one comes when your bleeding
On bathroom floors
Or in shopping mall halls
When your Mom just had enough of the same kind of weight
And broke again under the pressure
Causing more hate

This life can seem like a crime
Just to be born
This love can seem like a lie
When there’s none to find
Every eye seemed blind
To how my heart cried out
When every eye shared a lie
That they truly knew about
Me
And her
And no one acted to be sure
I’d be safe
Once home
Where the violence ran rampant
Where I wasn’t allowed to phone
Where if I did call for help
I’d pay
Where kisses were contracts
And stuffed toys
Were bribes
Where hugs came rough handed
And caresses were fisted
When loving looks were replaced
With hateful stares of demise
Where I lived everyday
Where I grew wise to despise

And despite all the pain
A part of me remained sane
A part of me broke down
A part of me ran to hide
A part of me
Held all the other parts
Tight

Something somewhere knew
That my life wasn’t right
Something somewhere in me knew
I had the right to life
And though everyday it seemed
I was here to break
Everyday I met that pain
With some sense of faith

And I kept going forward
I grew hard and quiet
I acted out in public because at home
I dare not try it
And if I cracked under pressure
I would pay
I knew my actions were threatened
By every stray hair
On my head that also
Received all the blame
No matter how hard I tried
It was always the same
My Mother gave away
every ounce of her pain
Not just on birthdays or weekends
not just holidays or vacations
Always the same sort of love

For when everything turned sour
It surly must be my fault
I somehow had the power
To be wrong every time
To cause every malfunction
To cause her to glower and snap
to punish
Pick me up by my hair
And make me pay for punches
Throw me in bathrooms
And held by my neck
Surly I’d learn
I was nothing
And I did

But I also learned another thing
That my strength was growing
Along with the pain
And yes my mind was shattered
My spirit exiled
My kingdom emptied, spoiled and rotted
A part of me knew, whispered, and pleaded
Keep going
Keep living
Keep moving
Keep believing

So I did
Everyday I did it again
And again
Until I learned
What love really is

And here I stand
More alive
Than dead
More loved
Than broken.

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